Since women file the majority of divorces, most of the individuals I work with in saving their marriage are men. And for years now I’ve heard these men say this phrase about their wives: “This is not the girl I married.” What these men are talking about is the mother of their children, their wife of five, ten, twenty years!
As you may or may not already know, I’m a Chaos Kid. Today I work with all kinds of troubled couples and have found a pattern in marriages that’s undeniable.
And today I’m going to reveal this pattern that determines the success or failure of your marriage through some real-life examples that give you a peak into both a successful marriage, and a troubled marriage where one man married a Chaos Kid.
If you’re not familiar with what it means to be a Chaos Kid, it all starts by understanding the Chaos To Purpose Scale (shown at left). This is a scale that gives people a way to locate how their childhood was, from the worst (Chaos) to the best of homes (Purpose).
We’re looking at your childhood particularly between the ages of ten and under. It’s a fact that little kids under the age of ten want to feel important. In fact, we’re born with that built in desire, but the house we’re “dropped into” is not our choice.
So if you’re born into an abusive home where your father constantly criticized you, or your parents neglected your emotional and physical needs, or they were paranoid and fearful people who always predicted disaster, or a multitude of ways to NOT raise a child, then you might be a Chaos Kid.
There are so many WRONG ways to raise a child and it’s in “Chaos homes” where these troubled children (thus troubled adults) are raised. Chaos homes are created when parents who never dealt with their own Chaos childhoods, raise their own children…only to give them the same treatment THEY were given as a child, and most important, the parents have no idea they are doing it.
At 100% is the Purpose Home where mom and dad enjoy each other and are tough but fair with the kids. They take an interest in each child which causes those kids to feel important and valuable.
It’s in those first ten years of a child’s life that programs are installed on how to live. These are the set of “brain instructions” that establish the definition of “Normal”. These massive collections of do’s and don’ts will be the core engine that tells that adult the “Normal” way to deal with any and every issue for the rest of their lives.
In the case of a child raised in a Purpose Home, they will naturally and unconsciously gravitate towards successful choices in marriage, social life, career and its proven historically time after time with few exceptions. After all, success is expected and simply “Normal”.
I was a Chaos Kid who married a Chaos Kid. It’s this reason that I lived 27 years in marriage hell but then fell in love with my wife in the 28th year and we’re happier than ever, continuously married 34 years.
It was during that time in “marriage hell” that I uncovered the solution to repairing the damage I received from growing up in a Chaos home and turning my life into something with purpose rather than continued chaos.
It’s much simpler than psychologists would have us believe. I built my Fulfilled Couple marriage course on what therapists and brain scientists know but can’t explain to the rest of us.
I’ve made it possible for both spouses to learn how to eliminate their negative feelings in 60 seconds and become independent of their Chaos Kid programs to make choices that are clearly their own.
In order to make my case, let me share some real-life stories with you.
What follows are the brief summary points of two couples. The Day’s and the Rogers.
The first summary is taken from Mr. Day’s story about his marriage to a Chaos Kid. His wife was raised low on the Chaos side of the scale and their marriage is hopeless and quickly crumbling.
The second summary is taken from Mr. Rogers and his wife’s Jenae’s review of their lives from their Christmas letter to family members. This is an important summary since they were raised in Purpose homes.
Remember that the Purpose home is the one led by reasonable, rational adults with a purpose of raising great kids who become great adults.
A Chaos home is a place that is not set up to nurture or build up children.
Here’s a quick summary of Mr. Day’s marriage to a Chaos Kid…
- We were married for 12 years.
- Wife stated she could not deal with the stress of our 2 children, yet we had a third.
- Our son was born -discovered he had severe birth defects.
- I fell apart – caused me to emotionally withdraw from my wife.
- I had hurt my wife with my withdrawal. –more doctors, more surgeries.
- Wife developed obsessive compulsive traits and anxieties.
- But then wife started to show interest in me –said she needed to keep her man.
- Her anxiety and panic attacks reduced -she needed and received medication.
- She created a support group for Catholic families with children of special needs.
- I was proud of her –I took care of our kids so she could volunteer.
- Then she had to get off of her medication.
- We saw her anxiety and anger return.
- Constantly on her computer from early to late at night.
- Our kids told me mommy spent most of the day on the computer.
- I handled all of the chores at night and spent time with the kids until bed.
- Computer became her life.
- When we came near her room she asked us to leave, hiding the screen.
- She took the computer into the bathroom as well.
- She started going to concerts with female friends – went out 1 or 2 times a week
- She told me she no longer loved me and wanted to separate.
- She stopped going to communion and church – stated that she hated God.
- My wife avoided me completely.
- She did not spend time with the children during the day.
- She went to Europe with girl friends for 2 week vacation.
- On vacation, she said she enjoyed being away from me, realized how much she hated me.
- On return she avoided me – stated I needed to move out –she would file for divorce.
- Our state requires a year of separation- she did not wait.
- She flew to a US territory where a one week stay completed the divorce.
- She was angry, spiteful and verbally abusive to me.
- Her explanation is it’s all my fault because I fell apart when our son was born.
- She lost weight – changed her diet completely -wearing tightest jeans and t-shirts
- She went back to college.
- The kids were put in public schools.
- I cook, clean, care for kids nights and weekends.
- She stated she will be single forever –she thanked me for ruining her life.
Now contrast the Day’s marriage with this…(two adults raised in purpose driven households)
Here’s a quick summary of Geoff and Jenae Rodgers’ marriage – from their family Christmas season letter.
- Jenae quit her job to take over administrative work in our family business.
- She now works full time in our family business as well as part time in dental work.
- We continue to minister to couples all throughout the year.
- It has been exciting to bring hope to struggling marriages.
- We accepted a role with a marriage organization to oversee their video presenter program.
- We’re excited to see how God will use our passion and skills.
- Our kids are in 3rd and 4th grade and enjoying it.
- Kylie sings in the school choir, takes ballet, is doing a program called peer mediator, is doing well in school and excited about everything.
- Our Gabe is doing well in school, involved in student council, represents his 3rd grade class, busy in baseball and soccer.
- Jenae trained all year and ran the Portland Marathon and felt really great about it.
- She was well prepared and finished in her best time yet.
- Geoff and the kids have also been running this fall.
- We hope our family and friends will take time to reflect on the true meaning of the season and enjoy time with family.
The contrast between the Day’s and the Rogers is stark.
The Day’s start out with a normal life, but then troubles begin and the couple has no idea how to stop the grand and traumatic rush into chaos that will affect their children negatively for a lifetime.
Geoff and Jenae Rogers on the other hand, were raised by two sets of reasonable, rational and moral parents. They were raised without extremes that push children’s brain formation to build that Chaos Engine that is unleashed in adult life right when a couple faces major marriage challenges.
What separates the Day’s and the Rogers? It’s not a fluke. It’s a dependable FACT.
Your first ten years determines the health of your marriage.
Throughout my 15 years of working with couples, I have never seen a troubled marriage with two adults who grew up in Purpose Driven homes.
WARNING: This will apply to YOUR children’s lives and marriage as well. If you’re thinking about giving up on your marriage and turning to divorce, this will have a SIGNIFICANT impact on your children’s lives…especially if your children are highly sensitive and emotional.